Truth to be told--an epiphany

السلام عليكم                                    

Back then, I could not comprehend why when in labor, or in any ujian, or rather in any distress, one is encouraged to invigorate istighfar/du'a Nabi Yunus-- لا اله إلا أنت سبحانك اني كنت من الظالمين, that translates beautifully: 

"There is no God (ALlah) but You. Therefore, no one can save me from this EXCEPT YOU." 

Didnt we just recite du'a syifa' that was taught to us like BismiLlah 5 or whatnots kan. Or so that I thought...

It remained enigmatic to me until I got pregnant with Khalid. Or Balqis? All I needed was a comfort, reassurance, and solace to escape the tremendous loneliness and fears, that I came upon Sodeeq Sobri's istighfar kabeer on utube. As a student of Ust Neezam al-Banjari myself, I was quite happy to know that Sodeeq is actually the student of Ust too. That made me think that ALlah showed me the way, He wanted to comfort me. He paved me to encounter that particular istighfar, no doubt I was certain. It was crystal clear. 

When I was so desperate and needed help to put my worries away, ALlah blessed me with His Rahman. How could I not share this T__T

Then the epiphany hit hard. We all know that when ALlah puts you in a rough situation that you thought you could never escape.. is to elevate your imaan, beside Him, and ultimate glory is to dust away your sins? 

But do we really get the grasp of the meaning although we did know that?

You truly think that you understand and can decipher the words? For all I know, I didnt know yet that time. How ALlah wanted to purify and to expiate my sins. Of not believing, trusting, giving my all, to actually indulge myself in du'a iftitah -- an affirmation of belief, the statement of purpose of life. 

"Sesungguhnya solatku, ibadahku, hidupku dan matiku adalah untuk ALlah sekelian alam." 

Then how could I. How could I affirm the iftitah on every prayer but I didnt reflect upon it? Wasnt I the wrongdoers? ALlah hasnt oppressed me. ALlah is free and above, beyond from oppression, injustice and unfairness. 

So first, expiating, erasing my sins of not believing, putting trust in ALlah, the istighfar kabeer was my comfort and solace. Then came waves of relief and assurance. The contentment that I felt during those hard days was infinite and unfathomable. 

Footnote: 

Notice how I used caps lock to highlight how we should, need and have to put all of ourselves into ALlah's hands? (figuratively)

It is taqwaa. Believing that in ALlah's, everything will take place accordingly. Trusting with all our wellbeing that ALlah will take care of everything. So, put your worries and fears beside you, and bask under the faith that ALlah is All Knowing, Hearing and Healing ❤️

مع السلامة

Sedang berdamai dengan takdir

 

السلام عليكم.

Lamanya tinggal sebuah journal digital ni. 

Sesuai tak kalau letak catharsis sebagai tajuk utama? 

Catharsis (n)

-- The process of releasing strong or repressed emotions.

Rasa rasa lepas tak ni sebagai translated for the title above? Sebab kadang satu term in English is already defined satu statement. 

Afterall, fasa dan seni berdamai dengan takdir ni, consumes so much time. And energy, hopes, sometimes your life. You will get stuck at times but remember, you fall seven, you get up eight. 

Remember when I stated that what shaped and molded us were our pasts? That encompasses of our actions, resulting to consequences. And our painful heart wrenching memories, losses, and the ultimate destruction  level of tawakkal: sacrifices. Yep, our sacrifices of the many many things that we tend to overlook and underestimate ourselves. 

It takes time, perseverance and patience. But do we (I) have that? 

Manusia. Insān. Tamak, semua benda nak cepat. Rakus nak handle dan cater all the things. Yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran. Sounds familiar? 🥲

Out of randomness, this is my favorite.

 

Assalamualaikum to you my silent readers and assalamualaika to you my beloved RasuluLlah.

Lama sangat tak menulis and I feel the awkwardness creeping me but today after a phone call with my Ustazah Naw,  I just feel this enormous sparkling glittering feels of excitement to share what used to be my belief, is taken out of context, and tersimpang so many months. 

Before delving into the details what was the conversation about, I watched a video of someone yang lost her husband 2 weeks before she delivered her baby. She went to the hospital sent by her family and they took care of the eldest. She did everything and until the nurse said… “Puan, ic ni puan boleh serahkan semula pada suami puan sebelum kita masuk labor room.” There, she choked with tears, a lump grew in her throat, while tears overflowing, “Suami saya dah takde, 2 minggu lepas dia meninggal.” 

Guess who was also bawling her eyes out? Yep, me, it was indeed Me. 

That time rasa macam ya ALlah, what would happen if my husband were taken away from me? How will I survive, how can I live? Can I actually live? What will happen to me? Pilunya rasa hati bila fikir, sebu dada sebak. Then teringat ayat Aisyah Hijanah, she asked for syurga tanpa hisab, then ALlah tests her. So she admits defeat but she grows bigger. Dia tahu tu lah the answer, for her to get a Jannah without hisab, ujiannya adalah suaminya. So I started to limit my du’a. I am afraid to ask for anything, takut tersilap minta kesabaran, ALlah akan uji events yang require kesabaran sampai lah I pass that test. Kalau tak lepas, the tests will keep coming sampailah kau sabar. But in a hard and tough way. Vicious cycle? No, it is just your wording in berdu’a yang kurang proper.

What I got during the phone call, is intricately connected with du’a. Kak Naw said, why would you limit your du’a? Your du’a has no limit. Just ask, ALlah tu is your Tuhan! 

What happened to Aisyah is, that is the ujian yang ALlah nak raise her standard and dignity. Beside Him. Ujian tu hanya untuk dia, solely for her. Kalau kita minta Syurga tanpa hisab, it wont be the same test as her! Why? Sebab kita berbeza! Level ketaqwaan dan keimanan kita tak sama! So ask ALlah, whatever you want, whatever you need. Even the very smallest tiniest simplest things. Then ALlah will answer, if not sooner, later 💗

There there rasa nak burst out nanges terduduk terbaring tergolek dan sebagainya sebab sentap dia tu rasa direntap jantung dan rahim. How dare you, (read:Me) to limit my du'a. The audacity to think that ALlah would test you beyond your capabilities, how dare you. 

When ALlah already stated in Quran, 

فإن مع العسر يسرا (94:6)

"Indeed with hardship (will be) ease."

And of course can not leave this one out;

لا يكلف الله نفسا إلا وسعها (2:286)

"ALlah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear."

So, have you bawled your eyes out yet? Because I have, and I am. 

Random (ii)

Truth bites and yes for the umpteenth times, reality hurts. 

Probably this is the 15th impromptu blog post that will still ends up in my draft or anywhere in my notes of many many random thoughts. And perhaps this line might be posted right away after I have finished pouring out. 

Referring to the blog post, I second that reality is indeed hurts twice, or thrice when you misunderstand and misinterpret the situation and people around you. 

And unarguably, reality bites when you decode the meaning behind something and everything just makes undiminished sense. 

So who are you turning to? Do you have the answer or should I lay it out?

Random (i)

 Assalamualaikum and ohaiyō.

When I think about Abah, when I miss him too much, when I couldn’t describe this overbearing feelings that feel so heavy that I could have just resolved it with crying but I hold myself back, I will always remember what Mama once said to me when I was crying so bad out of missing him;

“Malaikat pencari rezeki (Malaikat Malik عليه السلام) dah gi semua tempat cari rezeki Abah. Kat Timur, tengok kat Barat, Selatan dan Utara, takdok doh Ani. Rezeki Abah atas dunia ni habih doh.” 

Clenched my hands to chest, gritted my teeth and sobbed hard, I wailed. 

“Dan Ani, kalau Abah masih hidup pun, siye kat Abah. Dengan berkerusi roda, nok gi mana-mana bergantung kat ore. Abah sokmo royat kat Mama, Abah tokse menyusahkan ore. Abah sedih dengan keadaan dia yang macamtu. Tok siye kat Abah kalau dia duk rasa bersalah sepanjang hidup sebab bergantung kat ore?”

And I think the most cruel thing in the world is when you had to carry the guilt for the rest of your life. Because guilt eats you alive, surreptitiously. 

Looking back, I haven't always been the good daughter. I rebelled in silence and questioned why the hell couldn’t I do this or do that. And that lead to many resentments. After Abah’s gone, all that’s left for me are regrets and unbroken promises. (But ain’t promises are meant to be broken?)

Now that I have grown up, all the things that had been forbidden for me to do back then, made all sense.

Reality of a full time housewife and a mother.

Assalamualaikum and good night my silent readers. 

Perhaps this post will make some people feel bad in either way especially those who are working and a full time housewife (read:me)

After I got married, I didnt settle down. I taught kids read ا ب ت and القرأن for about two years give and take. Not until I found out that I was pregnant with N. I resigned when I was 15-16 ish weeks due to not feeling energized, lethargic and exhausted. Not to add nauseous all the time. I wanted to continue and teach but I was not capable of it. I felt like a failure and felt so disappointed. Given the situation, I had to bear a lumbar scoliosis during pregnancy all the way until I gave birth. It was painful, and devastatingly had to solat duduk early than it should have been. Fast forward, my pregnancy journey carrying N for 9 months was beautiful indeed at some point. Other than that, full of tears and resentments. Watching my friends furthering their studies and building their career somehow a jealousy started to creep in.

I guess thats how people (read again:me) are. Not being grateful and starting to compare my life with others. Suffice to say, this is what I feel and it is valid. And until now, other than my friends’, I still feel a bit of resentment towards my significant other. My husband’s freedom is a constant reminder of all I have lost. 

He has freedom. He has a life of human interaction, fulfilment outside of parenting, and the chance to catch up with in real life people, have lunch with friends and colleagues, spending his day cracking his brain out at work. Even though I am an introvert, I would like to being outside too, talking with real people instead of virtually. And deep down I did feel a pang of guilt when I pinged my friends who were working. 

Meanwhile, I am at home, with a baby human that doesnt know how to talk yet. That doesnt understand a thing about what her mom feels and thinks. A life that is completely different than what I had imagined motherhood to be. I am insecure. Of my achievements. I feel like I am not enough and not doing anything. I want to do something other than parenting and a housewife. 

And actually to be brutally honest,

I am grieving the loss of my old life, priorities, and identity. It doesnt feel fair. I miss being challenged, feeling freedom, and doing what I love the most—writing. I am mourning the fact that I can no longer experience those things. 

Unearthed memories.

Assalamualaikum,

As I was listening to Naina, an ost from Dangal that is directed by Aamir Khan, I knew I would be in a no state one should ever seen. Have I said that Aamir Khan portrayed a strict and stern father figure successfully coercing and exhuming heart wrenching memories?

My father, was very similar to that character, theres no differences needed to distinguish. They both were so alike, sending shivers down my spine the first time I watched the movie.

And yes, unearthing memories-where I wasnt being a good daughter. I wasnt being good enough and not doing more. Following the year after his leg had to be amputated, he became so soft hearted, quiet and calm. Not the usual father when we were younger. The pain took half of his life. He was so full of energy and spirit back in the days, active and excited for new project. But then, all of it disappeared in just one day. I guess today I am missing him more.

And goodbye.

September, you has ended. October, bismiLlah 💜

Assalamualaikum and ohaiyō.

As I am nearing my edd, my hormones and mental really cant catch up with my physical. Perhaps because of the fluctuated in oestrogen and progesterone, being mad and sad at the same time, rage that could burst out at any moment but given the perseverance after went through the same things has matured and ripen, I could handle it a little too well despite knowing that if I spoke up, it would make things such easier. Even though this is my second pregnancy, it is so different and weird. From the way baby kicks, to not feeling nauseous, from me being introvert and timid, to extrovert and outgoing. 

Nonetheless, I know I will be reminded of Abah a lot. No, actually, there hasnt a day gone by that I am not thinking and missing him. It has become a routine. But the reality is, his voice has faded somewhere in my mind. The way his mouth curved up into a smile, I vaguely remember. All that I have a recollection is how he would sit on the chair, watching tv with his fav white pagoda shirt and his wheelchair on the side. And sometimes he would ask me to massage his amputated leg, said that it felt so numb. Or sometimes he wanted me just to oil that knee just for comfort. I would stalk his fb all over again, reading all the birthday wishes, condolences and a miss you posts from friends and families. Theres so much going on in this world that I wish I could have shared with him while we were watching badminton together. So many ideas and opinions I wanted to have him had say in it. As I puff this cold air out, a fragment of him would dissipate. How uncanny.

The only thing that distances us from the afterlife is dimensions. And if only I could smash the wall with my bare hands and touch him for just one last time. Maybe, just maybe, I would not feel this forlornness.

 

Healing, takes time, eats perseverance, and sometimes, crushes you surreptitiously.

When you thought you are on the right path, ignoring all the negativity, making your way with your chin up, wearing a positive and bulletproof vest, there will be always some people who would love sabotage your journey. 

Sabotage, what a negative connotation. Well, it is true. They shake your belief, they tug your senses, they stomp on your feelings, they stab your sanity. And after all of that, they leave you hanging, swaying and injured. They wanted you to be responsible for the damages that they had done. You are left all alone to mend yourself.

But frankly, you know deep down inside. At the lowest, deepest deep inside your mind—and belief, faith, you are able to go through that all because of ALlah is there, always and at all times. You refused to seek help and succumb, admitting that you are the weakest among the weakest soldiers. You forgot, that ALlah wanted you to come to Him will all you have got. Your vulnerability, your insecurities, your fears and fragility. 

Sounds very cliché, too mainstream, and traditional. But you know, that is right, right? 

“O’ you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, ALlah is with the patient.” (2:153)

When you start to stop setting your bar of happiness, satisfaction, your felicity even, the contentedness of being yourself at your own pace and peace within your timeline, the relief will come. The rewards will be greater. After all, only you who know the real you. 

اللهم صل على محمد, may the Nūr Muhammad revive my heart and insights.  

Assalamualaikum and good night.

Dropping it.

Assalamualaikum,

The fact that I knew, I knew it well how expectations ruin everything. I acknowledge that expectations that are not met should not we dwell in it and I comprehend it well that expectations, is just expectation. There is no meaning, no concrete evidence and unreliable.

But I still dwelled in it. I drowned myself, I drenched in expectations. Soaked so bad. 

People would never. Never would they understand what kind of traumatic events, pressured phenomena, stressful situations that forced us to shape of who and what we are right now. We are the result of traumas, the consequences of what we made, the inner child in us. And we understand, have a clear idea of how something should be in accordance to how we react towards something. How we feel about it. We sympathize, we try to perceive it in their own shoes without assuming and speculate. The kaleidoscopes that they are wearing, we try to have a grasp of it. At least, we try. 

The expectations of how I deduced that the closest people I have ever had would understand or at least appreciate that I put my trust, my expectation, and understanding, were crushed. Dissipated into thin air, fled away with the wind.

People, choose your people.

After all, I am most disappointed in myself. For letting such thing happens to me. Perturbed by the truth that I knew it all along but went with it still. Expectation, is cruel. And me, is crueller. 

But…you know. Pregnancy and postpartum are phases of how a woman, becomes a woman. We are in the lurch for months, years even. Are a fragile, vulnerable, frail and susceptible to any kind of thing that prick our emotions phase. We get brain fog and we forget things a lot. But we dont forget who were there and how they treated us.

and, good evening.

Random, meaningful and spicy.

Assalamualaikum and good evening fellow silent readers.

Picture was taken on my way to kk for a checkup. I left N with her dad at home, and had a calm journey without N trying to climb my stomach and frantically searching for bird. I swear I miss her so bad during the ride and I was crying because got caught red-handed sneaking away before she realized that I went outside. She cried at the grill and shouted “Ma” before the driver drove off. I sobbed and just ignored the driver. He would try to understand right????!!!! I am a mother and a full time housewife that have never been separated from my 1st born kot hmmz

August is a breastfeeding month by the way!! I am so happy and hopeful (for this second baby) to fully breastfeed. At first knowing that I was pregnant for second time, I had a hard time to accept it before it dawned on me. Ma shaa ALlah, it wasnt an easy week. I had to give up bf N at 10 months old and opt to fm. I felt like a failure, I blamed myself for not being cognizant enough, I resented those who didnt understand my situation and used “ada orang ttc for years but it is easy for you. Please be grateful” card and those sentences that are giving the same vibe. (Read: please stop. I dont need your unsolicited opinions and uncongenial advices regarding on how should I feel about this pregnancy. Unless I ask for it.)

Felt guilty sometimes because I could not bf N till two years. The fact that she was still 10 months old at that time and I was dealing with the sudden news, ill and brokenhearted. (Yes, because of the fluctuation of the pregnancy hormones too) 

Despite that, I was stunned to know that the zygote is holding on with me being active with N. Not until the bump is showing and suddenly bigger than I thought it should have been. Ma shaa ALlah… I truly am grateful somehow and started to embrace N’s little sibling more, day by day. Didnt know that the duas I made desperately and hopefully, ALlah gifted it with another khalifah, growing healthily inside me.

After knowing that I was pregnant, feeling demotivated to breastfeed, I cried whenever I bottle fed N. Because I knew. I knew how hard, tired, exhausted and painful the journey was. With patches of beauty and love, affection and smeared with a lot of smiles and holding fingers, to biting, bleeding, and teething at unexpected times when you were dozing off, almost into the dreamland. Half of me even gave up to fully breastfeed for the second baby. 

Not until my friends who were pregnant too, start asking about my breastfeeding journey. I poured and shared all of my knowledges, all the tips and even gave advices on whys and whens. And I feel appreciated. I dont want to give up and want to give my all. 

Thanks to my lactation counsellor @nadmasrom, I really learn a lot. When I was pregnant with N, I joined the free classes, signed up for webinars and subscribed to know more about breastfeeding. I was even thinking to be like her, advocating on how to motivate 1st time mothers and those who have failed and wanted to breastfeed again. AlhamduliLlah, all of that I could share to my friends enthusiastically because breastfeeding is a vast topic and I really encourage those who are thinking to get pregnant, please read a lot and implore into breastfeeding.

Nevertheless,

All pregnant women, 1st time mothers, mothers who are at 2nd, 3rd and so forth pregnancy, only wanted to be seen and heard. Seen. And heard.

صل الله على محمد.