Perhaps this post will make some people feel bad in either way especially those who are working and a full time housewife (read:me)
After I got married, I didnt settle down. I taught kids read ا ب ت and القرأن for about two years give and take. Not until I found out that I was pregnant with N. I resigned when I was 15-16 ish weeks due to not feeling energized, lethargic and exhausted. Not to add nauseous all the time. I wanted to continue and teach but I was not capable of it. I felt like a failure and felt so disappointed. Given the situation, I had to bear a lumbar scoliosis during pregnancy all the way until I gave birth. It was painful, and devastatingly had to solat duduk early than it should have been. Fast forward, my pregnancy journey carrying N for 9 months was beautiful indeed at some point. Other than that, full of tears and resentments. Watching my friends furthering their studies and building their career somehow a jealousy started to creep in.
I guess thats how people (read again:me) are. Not being grateful and starting to compare my life with others. Suffice to say, this is what I feel and it is valid. And until now, other than my friends’, I still feel a bit of resentment towards my significant other. My husband’s freedom is a constant reminder of all I have lost.
He has freedom. He has a life of human interaction, fulfilment outside of parenting, and the chance to catch up with in real life people, have lunch with friends and colleagues, spending his day cracking his brain out at work. Even though I am an introvert, I would like to being outside too, talking with real people instead of virtually. And deep down I did feel a pang of guilt when I pinged my friends who were working.
Meanwhile, I am at home, with a baby human that doesnt know how to talk yet. That doesnt understand a thing about what her mom feels and thinks. A life that is completely different than what I had imagined motherhood to be. I am insecure. Of my achievements. I feel like I am not enough and not doing anything. I want to do something other than parenting and a housewife.
And actually to be brutally honest,
I am grieving the loss of my old life, priorities, and identity. It doesnt feel fair. I miss being challenged, feeling freedom, and doing what I love the most—writing. I am mourning the fact that I can no longer experience those things.