Assalamualaikum and ohaiyō.
When I think about Abah, when I miss him too much, when I couldn’t describe this overbearing feelings that feel so heavy that I could have just resolved it with crying but I hold myself back, I will always remember what Mama once said to me when I was crying so bad out of missing him;
“Malaikat pencari rezeki (Malaikat Malik عليه السلام) dah gi semua tempat cari rezeki Abah. Kat Timur, tengok kat Barat, Selatan dan Utara, takdok doh Ani. Rezeki Abah atas dunia ni habih doh.”
Clenched my hands to chest, gritted my teeth and sobbed hard, I wailed.
“Dan Ani, kalau Abah masih hidup pun, siye kat Abah. Dengan berkerusi roda, nok gi mana-mana bergantung kat ore. Abah sokmo royat kat Mama, Abah tokse menyusahkan ore. Abah sedih dengan keadaan dia yang macamtu. Tok siye kat Abah kalau dia duk rasa bersalah sepanjang hidup sebab bergantung kat ore?”
And I think the most cruel thing in the world is when you had to carry the guilt for the rest of your life. Because guilt eats you alive, surreptitiously.
Looking back, I haven't always been the good daughter. I rebelled in silence and questioned why the hell couldn’t I do this or do that. And that lead to many resentments. After Abah’s gone, all that’s left for me are regrets and unbroken promises. (But ain’t promises are meant to be broken?)
Now that I have grown up, all the things that had been forbidden for me to do back then, made all sense.