Assalamualaikum and ohaiyō.
As I am nearing my edd, my hormones and mental really cant catch up with my physical. Perhaps because of the fluctuated in oestrogen and progesterone, being mad and sad at the same time, rage that could burst out at any moment but given the perseverance after went through the same things has matured and ripen, I could handle it a little too well despite knowing that if I spoke up, it would make things such easier. Even though this is my second pregnancy, it is so different and weird. From the way baby kicks, to not feeling nauseous, from me being introvert and timid, to extrovert and outgoing.
Nonetheless, I know I will be reminded of Abah a lot. No, actually, there hasnt a day gone by that I am not thinking and missing him. It has become a routine. But the reality is, his voice has faded somewhere in my mind. The way his mouth curved up into a smile, I vaguely remember. All that I have a recollection is how he would sit on the chair, watching tv with his fav white pagoda shirt and his wheelchair on the side. And sometimes he would ask me to massage his amputated leg, said that it felt so numb. Or sometimes he wanted me just to oil that knee just for comfort. I would stalk his fb all over again, reading all the birthday wishes, condolences and a miss you posts from friends and families. Theres so much going on in this world that I wish I could have shared with him while we were watching badminton together. So many ideas and opinions I wanted to have him had say in it. As I puff this cold air out, a fragment of him would dissipate. How uncanny.
The only thing that distances us from the afterlife is dimensions. And if only I could smash the wall with my bare hands and touch him for just one last time. Maybe, just maybe, I would not feel this forlornness.