And the most tugging song goes to Lucia; 담담하게 (Calmly). This song gives me this melancholy feels, this sorrowful heart-wrenching feels. When Abah was around, I would listen to this song while he watched the tv. I wore earphone but set it to the lowest volume so the song was faint heard. And of course because I love hearing Abah's faint voice zikr-ing, the sound of the tasbeehs been plucked. The channels being changed, the noises around me. Abah would lay peacefully on the chair, wearing his loved kain pelikat pants with a v-neck white t-shirt. It would happen I played this song when I spent the silence moment with him together.
This song would be more painful to listen to when it is raining. Be it on the day or at night. Maybe because I reminisce the precious days when he was around, or maybe because the lyric is too anguish for me. And it just perfectly fits my emotion, my person, to whom I dedicate this song to, to my Abah.
담담하게 너의 앞에서 웃어보이려
얼마나 많이 노력하는지
그댄 모를거에요 정말 모를거에요
생각보다 더 나 많이 노력해요
그대 맘에 드는 사람이 되고 싶어서
그대가 말한 온갖 작품을
가슴 속에 새기고 듣고 보고 외워도
우리의 거린 좀처럼 좁혀지질 않네요
You don’t know how hard it is
To calmly put a smile on my face
As you stand in front of me
I’m trying harder than you can ever imagine
To become someone you would love
I looked up, studied, and memorized
All of your favorite paintings
But this gap between us doesn’t seem to close
Once, I had a dream of him during my 3rd semester of first year in college. It was after 5 months after his passing. I was running, exhilarated trying to grasp my breath when I saw Abah stood before my eyes and smiled sweetly. Just like my last moment with him pictured. I tried to hold back the tears, but my throat felt sandy. My eyes stung because I held the tears from pouring. It was hard to contain a smile, but when he stepped closer, I exploded into incoherent cry.
And I am listening to this song again as I am typing this pouring-overflowed emotion this night because I miss him so much that I could die. That sometimes I wish for sleeping forever so that I keep on dreaming of him. Even though we could meet in the dreams, it would be so adequate for me. So satisfying that I would wake up with some tears in the corners of my eyes and could feel his warmth hugging my small frame.
So much dreams, too much feelings, it overwhelms. G'night Malaysia.