Assalamualaikum to you my silent readers and assalamualaika to you my beloved RasuluLlah.
Lama sangat tak menulis and I feel the awkwardness creeping me but today after a phone call with my Ustazah Naw, I just feel this enormous sparkling glittering feels of excitement to share what used to be my belief, is taken out of context, and tersimpang so many months.
Before delving into the details what was the conversation about, I watched a video of someone yang lost her husband 2 weeks before she delivered her baby. She went to the hospital sent by her family and they took care of the eldest. She did everything and until the nurse said… “Puan, ic ni puan boleh serahkan semula pada suami puan sebelum kita masuk labor room.” There, she choked with tears, a lump grew in her throat, while tears overflowing, “Suami saya dah takde, 2 minggu lepas dia meninggal.”
Guess who was also bawling her eyes out? Yep, me, it was indeed Me.
That time rasa macam ya ALlah, what would happen if my husband were taken away from me? How will I survive, how can I live? Can I actually live? What will happen to me? Pilunya rasa hati bila fikir, sebu dada sebak. Then teringat ayat Aisyah Hijanah, she asked for syurga tanpa hisab, then ALlah tests her. So she admits defeat but she grows bigger. Dia tahu tu lah the answer, for her to get a Jannah without hisab, ujiannya adalah suaminya. So I started to limit my du’a. I am afraid to ask for anything, takut tersilap minta kesabaran, ALlah akan uji events yang require kesabaran sampai lah I pass that test. Kalau tak lepas, the tests will keep coming sampailah kau sabar. But in a hard and tough way. Vicious cycle? No, it is just your wording in berdu’a yang kurang proper.
What I got during the phone call, is intricately connected with du’a. Kak Naw said, why would you limit your du’a? Your du’a has no limit. Just ask, ALlah tu is your Tuhan!
What happened to Aisyah is, that is the ujian yang ALlah nak raise her standard and dignity. Beside Him. Ujian tu hanya untuk dia, solely for her. Kalau kita minta Syurga tanpa hisab, it wont be the same test as her! Why? Sebab kita berbeza! Level ketaqwaan dan keimanan kita tak sama! So ask ALlah, whatever you want, whatever you need. Even the very smallest tiniest simplest things. Then ALlah will answer, if not sooner, later 💗
There there rasa nak burst out nanges terduduk terbaring tergolek dan sebagainya sebab sentap dia tu rasa direntap jantung dan rahim. How dare you, (read:Me) to limit my du'a. The audacity to think that ALlah would test you beyond your capabilities, how dare you.
When ALlah already stated in Quran,
فإن مع العسر يسرا (94:6)
"Indeed with hardship (will be) ease."
And of course can not leave this one out;
لا يكلف الله نفسا إلا وسعها (2:286)
"ALlah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear."
So, have you bawled your eyes out yet? Because I have, and I am.